Two nights ago, my amazingly beautiful three year old came into our room at 1am. Chills, fever, the full nine yards. I spent the night cuddled up with her in her bunk bed, soothing her into fitful spurts of sleep. At 6am when the alarm went off I woke to intense gut wrenching guilt.
One or the other of the girls has been sick at least once a month this school year. This means I have been staying home with them, at least once a month. Even though we have Lilian in our lives, I feel like it is my duty as Momma to be there to cuddle my babies when they are under the weather. But as a professional woman trying to make her way in the world I feel like a total slacker. Finally I decided to head to work for an hour or two to take care of the biggest items on my professional plate and then to come back home to cuddle with my girl. Agh, guilt. Either way guilt. I am so tired of guilt.
One of the BIG things I needed to deal with at work, was a presentation at a faculty meeting about self care, and being a wick burner. The idea is that a candle burns it's wick all the time, but that the wick of an oil lamp only burns if the oil runs out. I basically ended up crying my way through the presentation, because my self care is in SHAMBLES right now, and I was so emotionally wrecked at having left Anika at home.. Fortunately (and unfortunately) this is a huge issue at our school and it sparked a really important discussion. Also fortunately, this Christian school is super family friendly, and full of lots of other wick burners like me. So there was a lot of love in the room.
The second BIG thing I had to do was my performance evaluation. Of course. Contracts come out in about a month. So I sat down with the Elementary School Counselor, Middle School and High School Principals and my supervisor the Director of Admission and Student Services. I was still super weepy (totally professional) and emotionally wiped out. My two biggest areas of growth were that I show too much initiative, and that I care too much, which ends up burning me out. Big F-ing surprise.
So today I am home with my girl, again. I don't feel guilty about missing work. Well not too guilty anyway. And I am loving the extra cuddles.
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6 comments:
Jeez Heather! You've been busy writing! So nice to read your words..
I can only imagine that guilt that comes through being a working mom, especially when there is sick little one. But, what a nice example you are setting for those two amazing little girls. Sometimes I feel tired just thinking about rearing children and working, but I admire you (& your family) immensely, and look forward to the day when I write about my own guilt and fatigue.
XOXO
Wow, Heather! How I can relate. I often wish that I could be 100% focused on work when I am working, and 100% focused on parenting when with my girl. It's splitting focus that's so hard. The girl wins almost every time! She's a lot more fun and snuggly than work.
Oh, McDougall. You've always been such the "wick burner"! Me too, which is why I needed to quit the job and just focus on the babe. (HATING my job helped a bit. :^) ) How do we stop the mommy guilt?? Even without the work/mom issue, I still find so many reasons to feel guilty! Crazy! I had signed up for a (free!) parenting stress reduction workshop and was sooo excited about it, but then the morning sickness set in and I had to cancel. I REALLY need something like that! I gotta reign in my worry-wart nature, which is getting out of control now that I have children.
I hope Anika gets better soon. Sick babies are so heartbreaking (but the snuggles are nice....).
love to you all!!!!!!
ladies, thank you so much for the kind words and love. The only thing that could make my situation more perfect right now, would be a girls night out with all of you.
You are such an incredible woman, Heather! So strong and passionate about everything you do. This is no doubt a strength, but it can really make it tough to find that damned sense of balance in life, too. Your girls are SO lucky to have you for a mom. And your co-workers and students are awfully lucky, too. My two cents? Follow your heart and ignore the guilt! And don't forget to take care of YOU!!
Hugs to both you AND Anika. Hope she's doing better! :)
Thanks Kirsten. Anika seems to be a bit better, although we kept her home from school again to day. No fever, but she was so snotty(and I don't mean her attitude) and unable to manage it on her own, that we thought it better for the sake of everyone at her school! :)
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